Saturday, November 9, 2013

benjamin.

Today is a day where I have an overwhelming feeling that I need to be loving and everything that goes along with it. But Ben isn't here. I'm trying to just be loving towards myself, but it's not working. I think it's just... one of those days where I just want to lay in bed with Ben and talk. Nothing else. I would kill for one day. Hopefully Monday. I cannot believe it's only been two years. At all. It feels like so much longer, but at the same time, every day feels like something new. Okay, not every single day, but I still enjoy each and every day.

I'm happy to say that in two years, we've:

  1. Only had one major fight, which resulted in not talked for a week purely out of anger and frustration.
  2. Had zero pregnancy scares (score!)
  3. Ben's done the dishes/laundry without asking about 30 times (that's not that much...)
  4. Had way too much shrimp.
  5. Had "dinner parties" every few weeks (pizza and booze, the best kind of dinner parties)
  6. Had millions of kisses, laughs and :"I love you"s.

I love him, and he makes me so happy.

Monday, September 30, 2013

september makeup favorites.

Face
Lancome La Base Primer - holy moley, I love this stuff. It's so so so smooth and makes my face last all day.
Kevyn Aucoin Sensual Skin Enhanced SX02 - By far, my new HG. My skin has been drier than normal lately, so it acts a bit clingy. It matches perfect and covers everything that needs covering. I usually mix it in with my La Base on the back of my hand before applying it to my face, which helps it blend out A LOT easier.
Lorac Cream Blushes - from the Eye Candy set. They've been helping my powder blushes last, while still adding a bit of moisture to my cheeks.
NYX blush in Raisin - great fall color! Like a ... dusty plum, if that's even a thing.

Eyes
NYX Doll Eyes Mascara - easily my HG. It's not clumpy, lasts really well, and is inexpensive.
Bodyshop Boho Chic Eyeshadow - found this in an old palette of mine that I forgot about. It's like a slightly darker version UD Naked. It's my go-to crease color with everything I do, even if I end up covering it with another color.
Revlon Grow Lucious Lashliner - go buy this. Seriously, I use it was more than any other liner, gel included. It's the most black liner I have. Goes on like a damn dream. Stays on my waterline/tightline all day. The only time I don't use it is if I'm attempting a wing (yeah right)

Lips
Rimmel Kate Moss in 09 - not gonna lie, this might be 06. I can't find the tube right now, so I'm blanking on which direction it's facing. Either way, it's been a great fall transitional color. It's a very slightly plummy red. It lasts fairly well too.

Skin Crap
Boscia Black Mask - This helps so much with keeping my skin bright and clear-ish. I'm not sure if it actually does, but it seems to help draw out any impurities.
Loreal Youth Code Texture Perfecter - I went it thinking this was going to be super hoaxy. Like a cream could completely change how my skin feels. So wrong! It's made my skin so much smoother than moisturizer alone! It's helped my foundation go on so much better!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

calmness.

Sometimes I wonder what makes each individual person at peace with themselves and their surroundings. That sounds so bizarre to me, purely because it's not how I speak. But I've currently just crawled out of bed in the last hour (at 6pm...) after a full day of cuddles, Breaking Bad at lovingly staring into my love's eyes (blech, shut up, Taylor) and I'm now sitting on the La-Z Boy, waiting for dinner to finish cooking.

That there are two of the things that bring me the most joy in the world. Cooking dinner and just being with Ben. I know for a fact that I'm not a master chef. I couldn't tell you the first step in cooking chicken cordon bleu (get the chicken out of the fridge?). But it's one of those things that just calms me right down. I love being able to try new things and work on things that I love. I love cooking for people. I really do.
And being with Ben brings me every ounce of joy in the world. That's incredible cheesy and puke-worthy, but it's true. It's as if everything goes quiet when I'm with him.

Right now, I have a pot of multi-grain rotini on the stove, and asparagus and steak in the oven. It'll eventually get put all together in a big bowl of deliciousness with butter and herbs. It's supposed to be kale, not asparagus, but I forgot to buy kale at the store when I was buying everything for kale and steak pasta. Such a dumby...

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

just those days.

Who ever feels like absolute crap for no reason whatsoever? Nothing is going wrong in your life, everything is absolutely perfect, but you wake up and want to stay in bed and never crawl out.

It's such a bizarre feeling. I have it more than I care to admit. I can never really tell if it's stress, unhappiness, happiness, or anything, but I know something is there, and something isn't right. According to Ben, this isn't entirely possible. There's supposedly no way that I can wake up in a crappy mood with no reason and no cause. That's entirely untrue.

It's hard to explain either way. You wake up, immediately close your eyes again and dreadfully look forward to the day. You eventually crawl out of bed and drag yourself to get breakfast. This manages to be that one rare time that you pour your cereal without checking if you have milk. You don't. Dry toast it is. Crawl back to get dressed and ready for the day. Nothing seems to fit (even though it actually does). Everything you want to wear is dirty or missing. Start doing your hair. Nothing is sitting right. It's parting weird and not curling evenly. Your mascara comes out way too clumpy. Restart. Happens again. No make-up today, that's alright.

This continues for about 12 more hours.

It's just one of those days. No reason for it, they just happen.
Ben's learning that they happen and he can't do anything to fix it. He's slowly learning that there's a fine balance between "I hate my life today so leave me alone," and "I hate my life today but don't leave my side." Sometimes, I can't even tell which is which.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

service.

Like everyone, I've had both wonderful and terrible experiences shopping in retail. I feel like there are certain places that no matter how fabulous they are, one mistake isn't going to change anything. On the flip side, I think there's also places that for some reason I still go to despite terrible service.

I think part of that mindset comes from working in hospitality. If I go to a restaurant and the service is mediocre or less, but the food is fantastic, I go again, but I don't expect much on the service side. Vise versa. Great service and crappy food? I'll sometimes still go for the service and suck it up.

I don't feel like a sales associate, server or what have you needs to know and attend to your every wish and whim. Don't be greedy. I'm purely happy if they're attentive. They should be there to help you. On your end as a customer though, seriously don't be a pain in the ass, honestly. I've found through myself on both ends, you get better service with the more respect you give. It's that whole give respect to get respect ideal. Works both ways.

On that note, here are some of my wonderful customer service experiences... and some of the worst.

1. Today, after my class site visit, I went into Sephora. I knew exactly what I wanted, but because it wasn't actual make-up, I wasn't sure where it was located. Within a minute or so of entering the store, I had a SA ask if I needed any help finding anything. I asked her where the display was located, she showed me and asked if I had any questions about the brand. I didn't, as I knew exactly what I wanted, and she went on her way. I aimlessly wandered for a while, holding in my urges to spend waaaay too much, and I was approached by another two SAs. Most stores, I absolutely hate being approached, I like shopping on my own terms, but for whatever reason, I don't mind it at Sephora. While I was waiting in line at the checkout (after terribly convincing myself I needed a set of lip products), the woman at the register started to ring everything through. She was personable: asked how my day was, commented on the products, made some recommendations for other similar things. She packed everything up and asked if I wanted any samples. Duh. She went and looked and couldn't find any. She offered to give me a personal sample of any product in the store, since they have little containers for takeaways etc. There wasn't anything off the top of my head that I felt like I wanted to try, but she said to ask for her next time I came in, and she'd help me find everything I need, and give me more samples to try out.

The fact is, she went out of her way to make me happy. And it worked. I sent their customer service department a review for her, and I almost never do that.

2. Starbucks. I just about always have good service at Starbucks. My drinks are always great, the baristas are sweet, and all that. I worked as a barista for about three years, so I know how people can get when their drink is made wrong. It sucks, we all know that. I've always found Starbucks to be incredibly accommodating if there's a mistake. I don't like complaining if my drinks wrong if it still tastes good. The few times I have said something though, it was immediately fixed, which I always appreciate. Even if the mistake was my fault.

And one bad one, just for good (or bad?) measure:

1. There's a restaurant by my parent's house that had been open for years, but I never went to for whatever reason. Me and Ben decided we'd go and grab dinner and a few drinks one day last summer. It was busy, so we sat at the bar, since there were no tables. Works for me, I like sitting at the bar. Sitting... Sitting... Still sitting. Finally a server comes over and asks what we want to drink. We both ask for a water, mine without a lemon wedge, and I also ordered a caesar. Our waters came, mine with a lemon wedge, not too big of a deal, I just gave it to Ben.
Turns out that my friend was working in the kitchen, so she comes and takes away our menus and tells us she's just going to make us a whole platter of random things. Cool, right? So we keep sitting, just talking, and I notice I still don't have my caesar. I ask the bartender and he replies with "oh right, forgot." I watch him make it, and it's the most ridiculous thing ever. A double in a short glass doesn't really work for them. It was basically vodka with a splash of clamato, too much tabasco (and I love extra spicy caesars), no worcestershire, and a blob of horseradish. Needless to say, it wasn't touched after a sip.
Our food was delicious, there's no point in touching on how yummy it was. But seriously, it was.
We eat, I get another water, asked for no lemon, got lemon, and I still hadn't touched my caesar at this point. The bartender doesn't even notice until we were in the midst of paying. He asked if I didn't like it, and when I said it wasn't good, he rolled his eyes and dumped it, very purposefully.



I think one thing that needs to be said about anywhere, don't let one rotten experience ruin everything for you. Maybe the employee you're with is having a rough day and can't hold it together anymore. Maybe they're new. They could just have an attitude, but I guess that's a different story...

Monday, August 5, 2013

commitment.

I have severe problems with my body. I don't think I've ever been truly happy with my body. I have periods where it became more of a "this is better" mindset, but that never lasted. I have trouble committing to a lifestyle change/workout regime/diet/what you want to call it. I can go hard and "look great" after a few weeks, but then I slowly fall out of it. The decision to make a change eventually starts up again, then the circle continues.

My self-hate has been hitting me hard for the last month of two. I'm very rarely happy with how I look as a whole. There will be days where I think my hair looks great, but my face feels zitty and my belly is huge. My makeup can look flawless, but my hair is too oily, or too dry. It's a rare day when I truly feel that my body is the top of my "pretty" list for the day. I will admit that much, I've forced myself to find at least one thing each day I like. It's difficult and it often feels way too forced, but it's helped in the long run.

It hit me very hard today.

Ben and I decided to workout. Within the first couple of minutes, I saw the way my belly folded, the fat on my legs pressed together, the way my arms felt incredibly weak and heavy. I broke down. I laid on the floor next to Ben, nearly in tears, trying to hide my frustration and self-hatred. I left and curled up in bed and cried. It's one of those situations that he tries to help, but I can't explain myself well enough for him to understand. I just like having someone there to hold me while I cry, as weak and dumb as that sounds.

I need to make a change. Again. And I need to do better at sticking to it.


Thursday, August 1, 2013

wedding fever.

I have a heavy case of (self-diagnosed) wedding fever.

All of this wedding and marriage talk with Ben's aunt's wedding coming up, it's all I can think about now. I want it. More than wanting a wedding, though, I want a marriage. I know some people say "oh, it's just a piece of paper, your love should be worth more than that," - okay cool. I still want to be married. Paper-binding legally.

Deep down, I'm girly, so of course I want a wedding. And because I'm both girly and studying event management and planning, I have my wedding planned, naturally. Well, that's half a lie. I have two weddings planned. I have my fancy "proper" wedding, and then my "so me" wedding. I love them both, but only time will tell. My wedding will be simple, either way. I might even give Ben a say (yeah right).

I feel like the other thing that's triggered this, is how once again Ben has managed to make me feel horrible about always wearing rings on my left hand. Is it that big of a deal? I feel so bare and naked. I haven't worn them for a week because I'm tired of arguing about it. He's given me two reasons, both of which I'm kind of "uhhh, yeah, no... not really, good try," about.

  1. He thinks that when he proposes it won't be special because I'll already be adjusted to wearing rings. No! The actual physical feeling of the ring won't matter, it's the actual meaning that should matter. He said it would be awkward for him to propose then me say yes, then have to pull my rings off. I understand that, but he's not sneaky, I can guarantee I'll know when he's proposing.
  2. He doesn't like how I/we occasionally get asked when our wedding is/if we're engaged/are you newlyweds. I don't see it as that big of a deal. I understand how that can make him feel uncomfortable, but it shouldn't. He knows it's going to happen, so why is he freaking out when the lady at the post office asks when we were getting married (granted, we were sending out a wedding invitation rsvp). Like, I totally understand where he's coming from, but if he's not comfortable hearing it now, will he ever be? I know he will, but it's frustrating.
This has reminded me that I need to get the new Knot...